Tuesday, March 16, 2010


it is with a breaking heart I put this little project on hold.
The Bean is gone.
Such a tiny little soul, but ours.
We weep and we mourn for now, but through this we are joyful, we give thanks and we pray hard that our Bean comes home to us soon.
Last night I called losing a baby "being on the civilian end of a thrown grenade. Everything is exploding all around me and I had nothing to do with it."
My husband laughed, wiped his damp cheeks and smiled at me. He loves a perfect analogy.

ETA: this is the note I shared with my family and friends:

Most people use the word miscarriage because it's more poetic. It softens the blow of a staggering loss. I think I prefer the official term: Spontaneous abortion. It packs the one two punch that really conveys the abrupt pain of losing a baby. Yeah we were pregnant, and now we're not. It's a sock in the gut isn't it? Tell me about it.

About 4 hours after this picture was taken, to mark the fact that I had reached week 8 of a long hoped for planned for wished for second pregnancy, I began to spot and cramp. From the moment it started I knew what would happen. I was rendered helpless to stop it, despite all of my bargaining and pleading. I wept and slept and hoped and went to the doctor.
I read my Bible, I sent text messages out to a small armada of people for prayers, I sat very still.
I bled and ached and watched my body empty out that little hoped for being.
And then with a great pressure and a sense of finality, it was over.
I told Luke that going through this is like being on the civilian end of a thrown grenade. Everything around me is exploding and I had nothing to do with it.

This morning I feel emptied out but I realized that I have not been blown to smithereens.
That there is loss but it does not define me.
That I am bloodied but not broken.

In 1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18, readers are given a command: "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances". It is a tall order, joyful ALWAYS? Give thanks in ALL circumstances? It sounds like God wants us to exist in a state of denial. But amazingly enough, in the middle of a massive loss, I find myself doing just this. And I am finding it easy.
I do not know where you place your faith, but I know that I place mine in God, in His son Jesus Christ and that because of that this morning I am joyful, I am giving thanks for my life, my son, and my amazing husband. And I pray that whatever comes next it be for the greater glory of God.

And maybe I'm praying for a dog.


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