Wishin' and thinkin' and hopin' and prayin'

I have a whole myriad of dream lives for my kiddos...they veer from wildly impractical (a multi acre farm complete with living plants and a whole mess of animals - I can't even keep a spider plant alive.) to incredibly expensive (moving us all to London or Buenos Aires and living in the city). I love dreaming them though, in the wild chance that I can say to them one day: "I always hoped this for you my darling"
I have found that it is the little in between dreams, the ones that I hoped for even before Colin was born, the one's that I think about when I feel the butterfly wing flutters of the Pipsqueak, that have proven to be most attainable. I had hoped upon hope that someone in my family would have children close in age to mine, so that our kids could grow up like we did, a big close family, my dream came true in the form of my cousin Cass who had her son, Roman, almost exactly 1 year after I had Colin. The boys are the best of friends and play better with each other than with anyone else...added bonus? Cass and Romie live on a little farm about a 1/2 hour away from us! We pack up the dog and descend upon them to swim and run around and always come home with big bunches of fresh basil and lettuce. I secretly wish wish wish that the Pipsqueak is a girl pipsqueak, I'm not supposed to admit that part and obviously I adore the Pipsqueak no matter what gender he takes. But this generation of my family has been boy heavy! On my mother's side, my Nana Grande (whom we lost a year before Colin was born) has only boy great grandchildren! And on my father's side, my Grams (whom we lost around the same time) has only 1 girl great grandchild. To much testosterone! We all crave the ruffles and the airy dresses that come with girl babies. We don't know if this little wish will come true (Pipsqueak was reticent to give it up at the ultrasound yesterday) but I will wish it nonetheless.
These dreams and wishes for my children are such a precious, precious part of this time. I take such joy in imagining my life with them. And each dream deferred, each wish come true is a privilege to experience, because it means I am really living this life of mine. I am teaching them to dream, big, little and in between, that each wish or hope or dream adds richness to our lives...
And while I love to dream, I am soaking in every moment of my real life. Dirty dishes, long naps and all. I am treasuring this time with my boy-o. I am exhausted but I know that won't be every day, I am nauseous but I know it will pass. I love hearing him tell me stories, watching him invent his helicopters and rescue vehicles (cobbled together out of string and paperclips and legos and cars.) and just cuddling my rapidly growing little Bird. Because soon enough we will have a whole other person to share our dreams and wishes with!

July 25th, 2010. 7:00 PM

Colin is proving to have an incredibly fertile imagination. It won't be surprising to my mother (she raised two daughters who preferred dress-up and putting on plays to organized sports) that 95% of Colin's independent play is narrated. Whether it be rocket ships taking off to Mars, landing, and rescuing members of the crew, becoming a pirate complete with his own version of "A Pirate's Life for Me" (vs. 2: "a'noculars, a'noculars, pie-wets life fo' me" sung whilst looking through his spyglass...I have no idea where he got that) or racing his cars across the coffee table, over my legs ("thoo da mountens!") and making a leap across the carpet ("it's LAH-BAH! WATCH OUT!") he sees these things so vividly.
Because of this he often prefers me to make up a story rather that read what is written in the book. We have REALLY been enjoying this one, because there is minimal text (although what is there is fabulous) and great pictures. I can make up the story as I go along! He has been playing on his own more and more lately, which is a blessing as I have been miserable for the last couple of months....



...which brings us to The Pipsqueak (more on the nickname later)(also at 12 weeks gestation now the size of a lime according to Babycenter.com) who has really made her presence known around these parts...and has since week 4 of her existence! I had all day, all night morning sickness unlike anything I had ever experienced with my previous pregnancies. My sense of smell was OUT. OF. CONTROL. (still is truth be told, I can't even sniff scented candles!) I could keep about 1/2 of my food down at any given time and dropped about 10 pounds in 10 weeks. All of that, I am told, is a wonderful, WONDERFUL sign. "Signals a strong pregnancy" "great hormones!" are all things my OB has said to me. Although I take that with a grain of salt, a friend of mine had twins (big ones!) and said she wasn't sick a day. So I will just embrace it as a sign that baby mine is still there and growing.
The other thing I will take as a sign is those first flutters of movement. Very, very recently I am certain I felt The Pipsqueak moving around. After housing a super active kiddo, those butterfly wings in the belly are totally unmistakable to me! It was so lovely, and so heartening.


I still miss our Little Bean. It sounds silly to say that I miss a baby who's sex wasn't even clearly defined but there it is. He was a hoped for kiddo and is our angel baby. You'll note that I have changed the name of this blog...We have not referred to this little guy as The Bean and we probably won't, that was a special nickname for our Bean not to be and so he'll keep it. It made me sad for very long, it makes me melancholy now, but I look forward to this next chapter...so very much.

Enjoy the Silence

I have been trying to take a nice picture. One that sums up all of my feelings for the last 3 months. Because for the last 3 months I have been having what seems like a very successful first trimester.
Sunday marks 12 weeks. Almost 12 full weeks of vomiting and nausea and exhaustion and very bad parenting. And hope and terror and over the moon joy. It's been a bit manic over here while I wrap my head around the fact that this whole having a second child thing might work this time.
So expect pictures soon. And more anecdotes. And a return to our regularly scheduled programing!
Fun Fact: it turns out a person can live on green apples, cinnamon candy, cucumbers and saltines for 3 months. Who knew?

Honey by Arielle Greenberg

I am three months out and six to go,
stuffing my plastic Superball body with the salt
& twang of crackers die-cut into the shapes of fish.
God forsakes me when I forsake him
but mostly he’s much kinder, as is his duty:
I am radiant, people tell me, and have no hives,
except the swarm of gold bombs biting its way
into my sticky hollow. And I don’t mean sex.
I am just a menagerie for bright orange creatures.
Even my dreams are godless (and full
of God): I dream I am guided
by an elderly couple in a dim farmhouse
to their morning radio and blackberry tea
and then given the combs which I snap
into my dry mouth where they fill and fill.
Never, upon awaking, have I been so empty
and wanted more a cracker. Never so
suffused with the weekly, with time
as another god passing through the many perfect
crypts and ambers I house beneath my skin.