A night off...

several years ago, it was my habit to spend as much time as I could with people all the time. I didn't mind being alone, but I certainly preferred company. I could tell when my depression and anxiety were digging their sharp little claws into my throat because I couldn't be bothered to spend time with anyone, I had no desire to interact with people. For years I associated being alone with the singular empty throb of a downward spiral.
However as time has gone by and as circumstances of my life have moved in that peculiar winding dance that life moves in I have found that time by myself is a valuable commodity to be cherished (...especially with babylove half baked and well on his way!) Truthfully, I find time alone to be healing in a way I never thought possible. I turn my music up loud and dance as I do little odds and ends that get overlooked (like blog posts! And polishing my toenails! And packing up long overdue birthday presents to be sent all over the country!) I take time to be still and be quiet, I turn off my phone at some point during the night and I spend time with God. My prayers are scattered, like my thoughts but I always try and end with a litany of "thank you's" because now the feeling of being alone makes me grateful of the life I have, the feeling of being alone has become associated with feeling refreshed and joyful...even when I was my most sad.
Tonight Luke works late and Colin is having a sleepover with his beloved Nana (my mom) I have made a beautiful panzanella from heirloom tomatoes and french bread, I have some fresh mozzarella and an hour long playlist of music that I adore. I got a few quick texts from a dear friend who has promised me the most recent chapters of his novel (give it 2 years, this book will be topping bestseller lists, it's just that good) and so I will tuck in, re-read his book from chapter one and enjoy my music...
And a little later, much later than I would usually be up I will take a little time and talk to God, I will sing my gratitude for this tiny slice of quiet, for my lovely life.